If Everything Sucks For You Right Now

Everything sucks right now.

Thought Catalog

cora álvarezcora álvarez

Sometimes everything sucks. It just does. You’re exhausted. You’re stressed. You’re down on yourself and you’re down on everyone else and nothing you’ve done has made you feel proud or excited or enthusiastic or even anything. Your greatest accomplishment has been emptying out your Hulu queue. Everything you write sucks. Everything you do sucks. You’ve resigned yourself to a life of mediocrity, because, maybe you could be the best at being average. Or the best at sucking the least. New goal: be the best at sucking the least.

Then, you do that thing which you’re never supposed to do, but you do it anyway because, hey, you’re already down here in the pit of your self-loathing, why not make this pit even less hospitable? You feel ashamed about everything sucking. You feel like, wait, shouldn’t I know how to not feel this way? You start feeling guilty, like…

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The Real Status of My Love Life (…or the lack of it)

I don’t normally talk about this. But recently, a lot of people have asked me about my love life.

Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?” (Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?)

“Bakit ayaw mo?” (Why don’t you want one?)

“Kahit crush, wala ka?” (Even a crush, you don’t have one?”

“Tibo ka ba?” (Are you lesbian?) No, I am perfectly straight.

I just answer, “Eh, wala eh. Ayaw ko. And hindi pa pinagpala.” (Nothing. I don’t want it. And I’m not blessed with it yet.)

So, why don’t I have one? Obviously, nobody has captured my heart yet (CHOS). And I have yet to capture somebody else’s. I like to think that everything happens on its own time. And everything happens for a reason. Simple as that.

But you know that feeling when you see a couple walking together around the university’s academic oval… that feeling of slight envy and… bitterness. I admit, sometimes I do feel slightly, genuinely bitter about it because I’ve had so many chances in love back in high school. Every time, a specific gut feeling just pushes me away from the guys I’ve been on M.U. (mutual understanding) with. I shy away–I push them away… It was like I got scared of being tied down. I thought that if I continue getting deeper with that romantic relationship, I would lose some of my precious “me time”. I was afraid that the guy would force me to be with him 24/7 or else he would get mad or something.

The thing is that I value my time alone. Like, I value it a lot. I can’t get through a week that requires me to interact with people all the time. I have to recharge my batteries meant for socialising. Jog alone, dance alone, drink coffee alone–anything that will just leave me alone. I especially like staying in coffee shops alone.

The other thing is that I don’t want to be alone all the time. I admit, I never felt more alone ever since I left my former boarding house. I had a lot of nice friends there. I felt like I was part of a barkada with my roommates. But that was not the first time a sudden wave of aloneness hit me. Ever since a very close friend of mine left the university and went back home (for good) earlier this summer, I felt like I nobody was there to be when just I want to be myself. It felt like nobody was going to help me with anything anymore. Nobody was going to listen to me. Honestly, she was more of what my friends and I called her, a “pseudo-boyfriend“. I’m not lesbian, but I think that is what an ideal boyfriend is supposed to be. Not with all the sparks and “kilig” and passion. Because according to Ross in Friends (Season 1), those things burn out in the long run. When they burn out, you’re left with faith and trust. And those good stuff is what makes you stay in the relationship. So, I think those kilig factors are what’s going to help you start, but friendship is the major requirement to get into that relationship. And stay in it.

But that is another problem of mine. I do sometimes like someone. But when I become friends with him, I instantly bro-zone him. And it really does feel like he is doing the same. It’s like some sort of reflex that whenever I befriend someone, he/she is immediately my sibling. Where this reflex came from? I don’t know! Maybe it is because my brother did not seem to want to interact with me, so I grew up craving for that sibling affection. And I guess it’s logical. This is good for me when in the Friendships Department, but not for my love life. I can sense that it will become a hindrance someday.

The fourth problem is that whenever I like somebody, he never likes me back. Never. Sigh. All of my crushes are so out of my league. Although that close friend I mentioned earlier always reminded me that all of my crushes are not gwapo (handsome) and all of them are kind of weird. The thing is… I like weird. I like honest guys who tell me what their real interests are. So, see, I don’t normally have a crush based on looks alone. And that leads to the last thing.

I just said I do not let looks to be the basis of my crushes. I mean, of course, I want him to be smart. But looks is honestly the one that takes up one of the biggest chunks of percentage in my criteria. I want him to be tall, a little fair-skinned and a little on the lanky side (not fat, not bulky but not so thin either). The reason behind this is that it is really a reflex of mine to analyse our the state of our future children. HAHAHA.

Looks take up one of the major criteria. The other one is his ability to speak. A talent in public speaking and charisma are great turn ons for me. Like, seriously. Legit.

This is so demanding of me, isn’t it? Parang sino din akong maganda! But I can’t help it. It’s how I think right now. I do my best to change it. But as my mother always told me ever since I was a little girl, “Never buy something you don’t fully want.” And I think it applies to choosing the right partner. Because if I don’t apply it, I’ll end up hurting him…and get hurt in the process.

So be it if I’m single. I’m happy anyway! I can drink my coffee alone and be with my bros as often as I’d like.

I vow to stay single until someone fully holds my heart. And I fully hold his.

First Blog Ever

I was a quiet girl growing up. It didn’t start that way, but ever since my brother and I stopped talking (and I grew afraid of him), I got quiet and I never developed my communication skills well. I wrote in diaries, as every quiet girl would have done, but I grew tired of it. Knowing that nobody will ever hear of it. Deep inside, I wanted somebody to listen to me every once in a while. But I just didn’t have the guts to assert it to anyone. So, I grew up trying to to do other subtle ways to be noticed–without talking. Never talk, I said. And now, how I wish I’ve done otherwise.

So, here I am. Giving blogging a shot.

My name’s Patrizia. No, that is NOT A TYPO. It’s really spelled that way.  With the z. I pronounce it as Pah-trizi-ya. The history behind that unique [annoying] spelling is quite vague. My tatay said it was because the nurse misspelled it, but I vaguely remember my nanay telling me that she meant to do it. But ultimately, she said that she got the name from my kuya’s crush then. She was named “Patricia”. If it weren’t for her, I would have been named “Isabella”. Sometimes I wish I had that name, but, hey. My name’s catchy enough to be good enough, isn’t it? Hihi.

Anyway, I’m 18 years old (yes! I’m legal already. Mehehe). I study Mining Engineering in the University of the Philippines-Diliman. I shifted from BS Food Technology last year. Why? I want to be an engineer. Period. I’ll explain why I picked mining in another post. I just realised that conforming to my parents and my relatives’ want for me to become a doctor is… going to make me very unhappy since Medical School is expensive and I hate Biology subjects so much. I’m more of the cramming and analysing (while inwardly panicking) kind of student and worker. And person. Life is just much, much easier that way. 🙂

And lastly, among the many things I’m interested in, I especially love dancing. I love moving and just working with the floor to make these beautiful patterns with my feet. I love pushing my body to the limit that I feel so high right after. And I most especially love expressing myself without the use of words. Nuff said. 🙂